Hello world. I've been meaning to write this blog for WAY TOO LONG. There is a lot going on in my life right now. Mostly good things, some of which I plan on talking about in this post. Out of nowhere I received a message that inspired me to finally get my thoughts out:
"Tristan! ever had one of those moments where some crazy person unloads alot of strange information to you at weird timing? this will be one of those moments for you my friend. Brace yourself :-)
It all started my first day of 6th grade walking into mrs. newsoms class and i saw this blonde kid sitting down and thought "i already don't like him!" and hoped I wouldnt be sitting near him. Well in Mrs Rao's class (or whatever her name was) there i had to sit next to that kid that for some reason i didnt like. and then he had a name, Tristan. not too long after that I was prank calling him with ********* and having him ride his bike into my neighborhood. the next part is probably in the wrong order.
A little later Im spending the summer in Ohio and instant messaging ******...you've never explained that screenname... anyway it was that summer that i remember spending the majority of my time on AIM talking to you. I clearly remember that summer bc you said something to me along the lines of that you liked me, and you knew i liked you and you called me out saying i was too afraid to admit it. funny, because i remember all these teenage emotions going through me as I realized, oh Lord he's right. but of course i tried to keep convincing myself it wasnt true. i have a point. heres my point...I think people go their whole lives without hearing how special they are so I thought of you and decided you have to know.
You've never been unnoticed in my book. how nice you were to me through those awkward middle school days, how in high school you drove to bring me school stuff and lurked around outside peering in windows to find my apt, how you hit the splint off my broken finger in middle school while we were playing cards, seeing you on the bus on the way to st augustine, you coming to my graduation party, sitting like a wallflower at my sweet 16 party but getting up when i forced you to dance, seeing you on separate occasions with both of my exboyfriends and you still being wonderful after i wasnt to you, watching you get confirmed- or whatever it was that we did, noticing you always through school. so you were noticed and i know not only by me. why i never said anything to you then?? duh because i was dumb and chicken. For some reason i felt it was necessary to let you know all this now.
What im basically trying to say, is tristan you are amazing. i had a great time growing up with you and you are probably one of the only real men ive ever met. hopefully a lifelong friend for me. im not sure where you are at in your life (love to hear about it) but, I hope you are doing well because you deserve only good things. Im hoping you are picky in your love life and will not settle for anything but outstanding because you can have the world. Not sure if I will ever run into you again but if not, congrats as ive heard bits and pieces that you are doing great in your career. Anyway, update me with how your life is!-- that is if my crazy explosion didnt scare you... :-)
p.s. im really not as nutty as this sounds. if you're anything like me, i'd probably get all uncomfortable reading this. but, this wasnt intended to weird you out, just to inform you , you're great :-)"
Wow... Honestly, I have no idea what to say. Even after reading this letter over and over and over again, it is still tough to digest. I could write about a million feelings or thoughts that stem from reading this heartfelt confession. However, I'll be keeping most of those sentiments to myself. The first thought that comes to my mind is that I made an incredible impression on someone without necessarily trying to. This reflection is essential for my entry.
The most important thing I have focused on over the last few months is working on myself. Not just who I am as a person, but who I want to be. This sounds easy right? I've realized it's not. The difficult thing about change is that you have to figure out the end goal before you can start the process. I am still trying to determine exactly WHO I WANT TO BE. What qualities do I want to possess? How should I carry myself? What do I want to accomplish? How can I positively impact the world? How do I want to be perceived? Personally, what do I expect out of me?
I don't care what most people think about me. I know who matters and what opinions I should respect. This is crucial when determining who you want to be. You can't be scared to be yourself. Embrace being unique. Use the judgement of people you trust to help shape the person you want to become. If you have the right intentions, coupled with the views from those that you adore, then you should have a much easier path to changing for the better. This is where I stand.
I'm not sure what happened to me over the years. Did I lose a sense of the person I want to be? Was I exposed to the real world? The fact that you can't be so naive and innocent. I've been burned plenty of times throughout my life, but with all the negativity I've been exposed to, there has been much more positivity along the ride. I probably have subconsciously been changing who I am without really thinking about it. People alter so much over their lives. We go through countless life experiences that constantly shape us. You have to be able to take a step back sometimes and get a different perspective. We are in control. You are in control. Don't ever forget that.
Back to my point. It appears that earlier in my life I was someone I wanted to be without really making an effort towards it. I'm sure I wasn't perfect (nor will I ever be), but I think I was closer to who I wanted to be back then. Now, after years of maturity, I am back to square one. I am okay with this revelation. My outlook has changed and my perspective has been skewed because of my experiences. I can only use the knowledge I've gained over the years to help shape who I want to become in the end.
It isn't an easy task, but I look forward to the challenge of figuring out who I want to be, and then actually becoming that person. I'm sure my mindset will continue to change over time. As long as I keep myself in check and focus on the person I want to become, I think I will be a lot happier with the person I am. Maybe this entry can help you do the same. Cheers.